Ive been asked alot by non police wives :
How do you sleep at night knowing your husband is out there?
Well, let me tell you; when Mr Deputy and I first got together nights were easy. We lived in a house not only with my 2 daughters and his son but His sister and her now husband, So i was never alone. { iam still technically never alone since the kids are here..lol} I had P and C to talk to during the night until i was tired and went to bed. It wasnt until after they moved out that things were rough on me.
Once i was in the house alone with just the kids the nights started getting harder on me. One because we use to live in the ghetto and i was scared of someone breaking in and killing/raping/torturing me and my children. It was a constant stream of fear for me. At the begining a never really had the fear of something happening to Mr Deputy; I had that "he wont get hurt he is invinsible" thing going on.
Last year on June 15th I got a fat reality check off that one. Mr Deputys Partner was killed and i realized JUST how close it came to being Mr Deputy. Since we had moved into a better neighborhood my fears had pretty much gone away until that night. After that I didnt sleep at night for 3 months. I pretty much begged Mr Deputy to find a way to stay home after he finally went back. When he couldnt call in anymore and had to return to work I did my best to put on my confident face and kiss him good bye and let him actually go out the door. Once he was gone though it was a whole other story.
The first few weeks i would actually put both Mr A and Miss O in bed with me. i needed that comfort of my children there with me. Although i never slept; after they would pass out i would get up and browse the internet until 3-4 in the morning when i knew it would be close to Mr Deputy coming home. I have to admit that Mr Deputy must have sensed my uneasyness because he would text me alot during the night. Just simple Hi, whatcha doing type texts... you know the kinds that when you read between the lines say: " I know your worried about me and I dont want you to worry and i am alright and I love you" So that eased things a little.
I had the support of a few close friends that didnt mind me keeping them up late at night :) to them i am truly grateful. and I found Support sites. It was nice to know that there were other woman { and a few males} out there that understand everything that goes into the Law Enforcement lifestyle.
So I guess to answer peoples questions i would say that; I make it through the night by having the confidence in knowing that Mr Deputy does his best to stay safe while out there; He has proper training with his job. I have the confidence in knowing that he is out their protecting others all the while waiting to come home to his family. I have the confidence in knowing that i have support from close friends and Spouses of Law Enforcement sites. I pray to god each night that Mr Deputy and his shift stay safe. and I have Faith that when i lay down to go to sleep i wont be woken up because its "the night" that something terrible happens to Mr Deputy.
Am i totally convienced that everything will be ok all the time. No i am not. I still have the fear but i have learned that if you let the fear consume you you will never be able to function a daily life while he is on shift. Its all a balance of keeping busy and praying that you dont get that knock on the door.
So my question to fellow PW's is How do you make it through the night?
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7 comments:
I hate to admit that I don't worry. What would be the use? I worry about tons of stupid stuff, but the important one? Naaaah.
Besides, I truly, firmly, honestly believe that Husband would never die doing something amazing and heroic that would give me widow bragging rights... we laugh and say he'll be run down by a car when he's off-duty, crossing the road and turns to check out a hot blonde in a convertible. Because there's just NOOOOO bragging rights with that!!
Seriously though, I worry more when he goes to a poker game and has to drive home at zero-dark, that some drunk will hit him and kill him. Perhaps that's just my way of coping???
Could be a way of coping. its been alittle over a year for us since his partners death and i have calmed down on my worry now. I will always worry thats just my nature. I worry about the girls when they are in school too. Cant get away from it. {at least I cant}
Now for me its just the lonelyness the night brings. we are naturally night owls so Im up way late... and of course i cant keep the kids up so I get a little lonely...lol
Nightwork is the worst!!!!
I'm really sorry to hear about your husband's partner's death. That must have been so hard for all of you!
I hate the question. How do you cope with your husband being a cop? Do you worry? I always want to reply with "wouldn't you?"
I end up just explaining that I have confidence in his abilities to do his job and stay safe, which I really do.
There have been incidents over the years because of them, when those anniversaries come around, I remember what happened. The worry & concern all comes back again. Like you, I try to find ways to pre-occupy myself until it passes.
Thank you for the post! It's nice to hear others have had somewhat similar experiences!
So glad there are other wives out there who have the same concerns and worries as I do. My husband is in the police academy and I'm so worried, but I will always support him and be there for him. It's jus scary the stories I've heard.
I have been with my Deputy for 9 years now. (Married 4 next month) I have to say it's insane how much you can worry about somethings and not about others. When it comes to our "Supermen" it can be the hardest!! I have to explain it to people all the time that um yeah I freaking worry he's my husband and father of my child and love him so very much! I just try to remember that if anything ever did happen to my soulmate that he was happy. He did what he loved and worked his can off do the things he dreamed about doing at an early age. When I have my "weak" moments I talk to other Deputies/their spouses or even my own vested hero. They understand and know what to say when the time comes give them credit there. Also for one reason or another I find that going to fallen funerals helps keep me grounded so I never get to that "my husband is untouchable" place and it makes me cherish every moment possible!!
I am sorry to hear about the partner. We just lost two police officers here. I am new at this and not a wife. I am the mother of the deputy and live in fear. I have no one to talk to and don't want him or his wife to know my fear. So when the tragedy occurs my fear intensifies. You see I was not suppose to have him. This pregnancy was a blessing.
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