Relaxation? I think not

So, after enjoying the last week, I realize that I have to prepare for the week ahead. See, my husband missed most of the preceding week because he had stacked his days off for this week since his brother was going to be in town for a week. As we were expecting company, I needed to get the house in order, which is no small task with two young children running around.

I decide that since both of my husband's brothers will be here for the weekend, and both of our children are male, it would be a great opportunity for them to have some male bonding, i.e. a boys' weekend. I make reservations in a local hotel, and figure I will take this opportunity to catch up with myself, my reading, my friends, etc. Sounds good so far, doesn't it? Well, I have to tell you what a genius I am.

When I booked the hotel room, I made sure I got a room with a whirlpool tub. Now, I am not much of a bath taker, I prefer showers, but at the time it just sounded so inviting. I check into the hotel, make sure the room looks pretty decent and head back out. I start off my weekend by going to a local bookstore to start my indulgence. After casually perusing the aisle, (truly a guilty pleasure, rather than a harrowing dart), I pick out two books to purchase. So far, so good.

On my way back to the hotel, I decide I want to pick up dinner to take back to the room, rather than eating in a restaurant. Again, the theme is indulgence, so I decide on Indian food. Its not something I can have very often because there is no way in hell that my kids will even think about trying it. So I order a sampler plate, some curry, some rice, some vegetable. It smells delicious. I get back to the room and leisurely enjoy my meal and my book. The tv doesn't get turned on even once.

I decide that this is a nice relaxing evening and what better way to cap it off then to take a nice long hot bath. So I start to draw the bath water and realize that the switch for the jets is on the light switch when you walk into the bathroom. No problem, I will just make sure to fill the water above the jets before I get in. So I take my time, slowly melting into the tub. I am in no longer than 5 minutes when I feel the Indian food kick in. Uh oh, now I need to get out and rather quickly. I start to stand up, and doesn't one of the jets start to spray water across the room. I quickly turn on the water to fill the tub higher, because I don't want to sit back down, I need to get out NOW! Then I realize as I look at the wall where the water has hit it with the force of a firehose, that it has made a direct hit on the toilet paper roll. I quickly reach for the switch to turn off the jets, but the damage is done. I will spare you all the details, but I will share with you what I have learned from this experience.

There is a reason I don't bathe, I shower. When eating something that your system doesn't get very often, eat small amounts. And lastly, if the switch for the whirlpool jets is out of reach, don't turn it on.

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MIA

So, I haven't posted a blog in over a week, as I had stated I would. Well, the reason being that my children have been sick. My three year old is a complete nightmare leading up to his actually coming down with whatever illness he is going to have. Usually for two to three days prior to showing any symptoms, I feel like the devil has invaded my child's body and I contemplate calling a priest for an exorcism. If I say black, he not only says white, he screams it repeatedly while destroying every toy in his way. When I finally wrestle him into his room for a nap, he proceeds to stay in his room removing everything from his drawers, bed, and closet and throwing it into the middle of the room. No matter what food I prepare for him, he refuses to eat is while whining phrases like, "I don't like dinner" or "I don't want peanut butter and jelly" (his favorite by the way). Then just when I am reaching for the phone number for the orphanage, he becomes a hacking, coughing, fever running mess. Of course then I feel horrible for ever thinking about just how much money I could get for him on the black market.

However, the second phase of the week kicks in. He is sick, miserable, clingy, but doesn't want you too close. He is up every hour on the hour with some croupy cough, leaving him and me with little to no sleep. If his little brother gets anywhere too close to him, all hell breaks loose. The only thing he wants is "honey juice" (warm orange juice with honey in it for his cough, which works as good if not better than cough medicine). By the end of the day, I am exhausted and can only pray for sleep. However, there is a much crueler plan in store for me. My child will again be up, perhaps not with the same frequency, but instead has added in projectile vomiting. We go through the dance of me changing his sheets and bedding, getting him all tucked in, and just as I am about to (or just have) turned out the light, it starts all over again. Of course this is through no fault of his own, but it still takes its toll on all of us. And just as I think we are through the worst of it, his little brother takes over where big brother left off. I know, I should be grateful that they are getting these illnesses now and hopefully will avoid them once they start school. But to be honest, that is of little consolation.

So you will have to forgive me for not keeping my commitment to the blog. Its not that I didn't long to sit and post my thoughts, it was that I didn't have the energy to push the 'on' button on my computer.

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A question thats asked...

Ive been asked alot by non police wives :

How do you sleep at night knowing your husband is out there?



Well, let me tell you; when Mr Deputy and I first got together nights were easy. We lived in a house not only with my 2 daughters and his son but His sister and her now husband, So i was never alone. { iam still technically never alone since the kids are here..lol} I had P and C to talk to during the night until i was tired and went to bed. It wasnt until after they moved out that things were rough on me.



Once i was in the house alone with just the kids the nights started getting harder on me. One because we use to live in the ghetto and i was scared of someone breaking in and killing/raping/torturing me and my children. It was a constant stream of fear for me. At the begining a never really had the fear of something happening to Mr Deputy; I had that "he wont get hurt he is invinsible" thing going on.



Last year on June 15th I got a fat reality check off that one. Mr Deputys Partner was killed and i realized JUST how close it came to being Mr Deputy. Since we had moved into a better neighborhood my fears had pretty much gone away until that night. After that I didnt sleep at night for 3 months. I pretty much begged Mr Deputy to find a way to stay home after he finally went back. When he couldnt call in anymore and had to return to work I did my best to put on my confident face and kiss him good bye and let him actually go out the door. Once he was gone though it was a whole other story.



The first few weeks i would actually put both Mr A and Miss O in bed with me. i needed that comfort of my children there with me. Although i never slept; after they would pass out i would get up and browse the internet until 3-4 in the morning when i knew it would be close to Mr Deputy coming home. I have to admit that Mr Deputy must have sensed my uneasyness because he would text me alot during the night. Just simple Hi, whatcha doing type texts... you know the kinds that when you read between the lines say: " I know your worried about me and I dont want you to worry and i am alright and I love you" So that eased things a little.



I had the support of a few close friends that didnt mind me keeping them up late at night :) to them i am truly grateful. and I found Support sites. It was nice to know that there were other woman { and a few males} out there that understand everything that goes into the Law Enforcement lifestyle.



So I guess to answer peoples questions i would say that; I make it through the night by having the confidence in knowing that Mr Deputy does his best to stay safe while out there; He has proper training with his job. I have the confidence in knowing that he is out their protecting others all the while waiting to come home to his family. I have the confidence in knowing that i have support from close friends and Spouses of Law Enforcement sites. I pray to god each night that Mr Deputy and his shift stay safe. and I have Faith that when i lay down to go to sleep i wont be woken up because its "the night" that something terrible happens to Mr Deputy.



Am i totally convienced that everything will be ok all the time. No i am not. I still have the fear but i have learned that if you let the fear consume you you will never be able to function a daily life while he is on shift. Its all a balance of keeping busy and praying that you dont get that knock on the door.


So my question to fellow PW's is How do you make it through the night?

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Finding strength part I

It's Saturday morning and I am listening to the sound of my children playing. I consider myself lucky today. My husband will be home later this afternoon and for that reason, I am very lucky. It wasn't all that long ago when we would not see him for days, sometimes weeks. See, I was spoiled for a long time. When I met my husband he had a position that allowed him to work Monday thru Friday, normal daytime hours. He also had all the major (and some not so major) holidays off. Then he decided he wanted to promote. I supported (and still do) his decision. I helped him study, grilled him for his oral boards, and helped him fine tune his resume. When he made the promotional list, we celebrated. Although I knew that this meant a return to shift work, because I had not experienced it previously, it took a bit of adjusting.

Then the offers began to roll in for openings. As he works for a state agency, this left the possibility of relocation on the table. What we were not expecting was the economic conditions that have hit our country and especially the state we live in so hard. We went from being excited about the prospect of moving our family to a new area, to realizing that we could not afford to make the move as a family. Then he was assigned to his new area. It was five hours away. I was devastated. He and I had not been away from each other for more than a few days since we had dated. Our children were very young, one still an infant. As a stay at home mom, I didn't realize just how much I had taken for granted his companionship and adult conversation. I didn't know if I had the strength. I couldn't share my disappointment and fear with him. He was about to embark on a journey of his own and without the comfort of family near him.

I put on my best supportive face and threw him a going away party. The kids and I surprised him with photos for his desk and new apartment. We packed up our car and drove up with him to his new post. When we drove away, I wanted to sob, but I couldn't because our children were in the backseat and I didn't want to scare them. As it was, they were too young to understand what was going on. We made the long drive home. It wasn't until I walked into our bedroom and realized that all of his stuff was gone, that it fully hit me. I sobbed like a baby, for my children, for my husband and all that he would miss in our children's lives, and for myself. I was now a single mother whether I liked it or not.

I know that this year was as hard on my husband as it was on myself and the children, but in very different ways. In the beginning, we both had to adjust to being lonely. Although we spoke everyday by phone and occasionally through a webcam, it still wasn't the same. He was surrounded by new people, in a new position, in a new city. He was the low man on the totem pole, and that in itself can be stressful. He missed his family, his home, and everything familiar. For our children and myself, there was a giant hole in our lives. Daddy wasn't there for us when we fell and scraped our knees, when we took our first steps, or when we needed a shoulder to cry on. I continually told myself that I shouldn't be upset and how fortunate we were that he was only five hours away. I couldn't and still can't imagine what military families go through when their loved ones go off to war and there is the uncertainty of their safe return. But no matter how many times you repeat those words, it does not fill the void in your heart.

We made it through that year. It wasn't easy, but we all searched deep down inside and pulled it together. There were times that I wanted to throw in the towel. It was heart wrenching to explain to our then 2 year old that Daddy had to leave again after being home for 72 hours, to go back to work. He would stand in the doorway and watch as my husband drove away and then he would wail, "I want my daddy". When our youngest said his first words, I never expected them to be "Bye bye Daddy". On the days that our two year old was being two, I cursed my husband. Our child is a very stubborn child, and sometimes cannot be persuaded to do anything. Those are the times when I really needed a break, because we would have days like that with no one to run interference. My husband missed potty training and first steps, speech therapy and doctor visits, school activities and soccer games. I sometimes resented him for those things, he got to go back to his apartment and almost be single again. Other times, I lamented that he missed those things because it was time in his children's lives that he would never get back.

Through all of the heartache, fear, uncertainty, and anxiety we all found our inner strength. I was able to run the house everyday, get the kids to school (almost on time), and find new adventures for the kids and I to go on. We visited libraries, museums, zoos, beaches, farmer's markets, and more. We took the dog hiking and went on coyote hunts (thankfully never finding one). We tracked mountain lions and watched seagulls. I used that year to find my inner voice and strength as a mom. My children learned that it is ok to miss someone. They discovered that that person will always be close in their heart. They also learned that their dad loves them so much, he was willing to sacrifice a year away to provide for them in the future. My husband also found a new strength. He has learned that it is very tough to be away from his family and that our time together should never be taken for granted.

We all have challenges we must face. Even when we don't think we are up for it, we manage to pull from reserves we didn't know we had. Sometimes we stumble, sometimes we even fall, but if we just keep getting up, we may surprise ourselves with just how far we have come and just what we can handle. Challenges are really a way for us to show the world that we can do it and we are courageous enough to try.

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A Scare

Has it ever happened to one of you?

Not a pregnancy scare, or an OMG I almost got in a car wreck scare. You get a call and you worry that it's The Call.

I was just leaving the YWCA after a swim, and my cell rang with a local number I didn't recognize.

"Hello?" I said.
"Hello, this is Lieutenant J." she said.

My heart skipped a beat.

"May I speak with Noah?"

They had the wrong cell number in the system: mine instead of his. She needed to talk to him about an upcoming special assignment.

But for a split second, I thought it was The Call.

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Looking for fulltime blog contributor

Do you have a passion for writing? Are you interested in Helping out with the Police Wives Unite Blog? http:www.policewivesunite.blogspot.com If you are interested in Helping with the blog and can commit to ATLEAST 2 posts a week Please email Desiree to apply


desireemcampos@comcast.net


Make sure you put in the header PWU Blog

Thank you

Admin

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PWU Big Announcement

Hi Everyone,




First, a ginormous THANK YOU to all of you for being the best PW’s anyone could ask for. We've had a record number of posts in the last month and have been experiencing on going problems with the NING site. It has been super slow and increasingly slow as we continue to grow. We were overwhelmed with your enthusiasm. We really wanted to do something nice for you so here's what we did:



We built you a new website



it’s www.policewivesunite.com this is a forum based website. Some of you may find this easier to navigate and others harder. We know how hard it is to change something that you have just gotten used to. That’s why we will be keeping NING and slowly encouraging everyone to make the transition over to the .com site.



The new website will launch this week and here's what you can expect:

• More professional look

• More features

• Forums for easier access

• Quicker sign-up process

• Links and resource page for helpful information

• You will have your own profile and have the ability to add friends



Thanks again for being so great. We really are a sisterhood in itself



Kelly, Desiree & Admin Team

Police Wives Unite

policewivesunite@yahoo.com

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New and Exciting Things to come

In the Coming weeks Police Wives Unite will be undergoing some changes and making improvements!!! We are looking forward to announcing our news This coming Monday August 3rd 2009, so stay tuned!!!

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When they're asked to do more

In our tanking economy, it seems that across the board more is being expected of workers, and they're getting less in return. As police wives, though, we know all too well how often our officer spouses get the short end of the stick. They're always expected to do more than is expected. We know that the end of their shift isn't necessarily the end of their shift, and their days off aren't set in stone.

This past week the leader of the local chapter of a prominent national gang was shot and killed, and his funeral is taking place on Saturday. So just as we started making plans for our days off together—the first in three weeks—Noah was told that he and his squad have to work this weekend. The consolation prize? They'll get Wednesday off instead. Wednesday. When I'm at work.

For me, the time apart is worse than the worry. I have no control over what happens while Noah's working his shift, so I try not to think about it too much. But it's the disappointment of expecting those precious few hours together and having them taken away—usually last minute—that really hits me the hardest. I remember once, while I was pregnant, I was lying in bed trying to sleep, expecting Noah to be home at 1 am. I knew that once he got home I'd be able to rest, and the next day was his first off after a shift (and the only one we'd have off together). Just before he was supposed to get home, I got the call: He had to work overtime, and much of the next day—OUR day— would surely be spent sleeping. I fell apart. I needed him, and he couldn't be there with me.

In the grand scheme of things, it's easy to say "It's just one Saturday." But it's OUR Saturday. It's our precious and somewhat rare day at home together with our son.

As strange as it may seem, of course I feel for the friends and family of the man who was shot. But the fact that I have to give up a day with my husband, that I have to give up some of our precious time, so that he can keep order and safety at a funeral, an event that's supposed to be quiet and mournful...that's just too much.

At the moment I'm trying to train for my first sprint triathlon, something I've decided to do for me. To show myself that I can do things that I used to think I couldn't. Funny enough, being a police wife has taught me that I can handle a lot more than I ever would have thought. But with Noah's schedule of long hours and unpredictable free time, it's been really hard to find time to train. I can't swim when Ethan is with me. I can't bike, because I don't have a bike seat and can't really afford one. I can run, but with the inhibiting jogger stroller and only for short periods of time before Ethan gets fussy because it's too hot. I don't have a whole lot of family or friends close by who can pop over for an hour and watch the baby for me. Sometimes I feel like a single mom. (Although all props go to real single moms. I don't know how they do it!)

Added into this crazy mix, it was recently announced at work that we'd all have to take turns staying an hour later than many of us are used to, a complication that under normal circumstances wouldn't be that big of a deal.

But when your husband is a cop, every hour lost is a big deal. And every day lost, well. That's even worse.

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Rituals........

These simple phrases bring such strong thoughts and vivid images into people's minds. You can see the image of a wife and kids waiting for a patrol car to drive up when you say the words 'An Officer's Family.' Perhaps you see a uniformed man sitting with his wife and children, protecting them from the world. Being an officer is central to all aspects of one's life. Images will reflect this fact. After all, a law enforcement officer is never off duty.


'The rotating shift' may bring to mind a picture of a family carrying on a weekend alone. It can bring to mind a picture of a police family carrying on holiday activities without their police parent. While the officer works a weekend or sleeps after a night shift, the family lives on, together, but apart. Again, the 'job' is central to the lifestyle, central to the image.

The idea of 'rituals' probably doesn't bring a similar image. Most people associate rituals with religious or anti-religious events. However, rituals are one of the most important aspects of a healthy life for a law enforcement family.

Rituals are the foundation for a sense of community regardless of whether that community is a congregation, a cult or a family. Webster's dictionary defines a ritual as a pattern of behavior that is repeated in a set manner. If you came from a typical family, you will remember many rituals--perhaps the evening meal where everyone took turns telling about their day, perhaps Christmas day unwrapping and playing with presents, perhaps something as simple as a nightly story reading and tuck into bed.

Police families often have their rituals interrupted by the demands of the job. Frequently, the officer is not available to participate in the family rituals. When a brick is missing in the foundation, the structure weakens. A weakened structure will more readily feel the damage from a storm. The police family needs to work hard at establishing rituals in order to fortify the normal ups and downs of a marriage.

For example, if Dad is an officer and is working a three-to-eleven, he can't be at dinner. The dinner must go on, to steal an old show biz cliche. After everyone tells their story at dinner, the conversation can slip into what to say to Dad when he phones for his evening call. The kids can be given a one or two minute segment of a nightly phone call to present their day to Daddy. This way Daddy becomes part of the dinner, part of the ritual. What's important is that the same pattern is repeated whenever Daddy is on three-to-elevens.

If Mom is an officer and can't be there some nights to tuck in, she can be a topic of discussion at bedtime. "What do you want me to tell Mommy about today? Let's write it down for her. Now give me an extra kiss for Mommy when she comes home." One corrections mom even tapes a nightly message for her kids when she wont be home. It doesn't replace Mommy, but it brings her into the ritual. With a small amount of thought, creativity and a little extra work, the absent partner can always be present in one form or another. The benefits are worth the extra effort.

On the job, a partner watches your back, takes care of you. At home, a partner has to do the same. Bring your partner into the rituals. Build the most important foundation of your home, a strong family life.
 
article provided by heavybadge.com

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STRESSES ENCOUNTERED BY POLICE WIVES:

Riddle:

When is the baseball coach called Mom?

When does Mr. Popularity become the invisible Man?

When can a "pair" turn into a lemon?

Answer:

When you spouse is a police officer!

The topsy-turvy lifestyle of law enforcement officers can place unusual stresses on families and spouses. Police wives must often assume the roles of their absentee mate, rearrange agendas to fit offbeat duty schedules, or simply learn to function independently. Job commitments and pressures sometimes foster breakdowns in communication between spouses, often locking police wives out of the picture. Faced with these stressed, feelings of isolation and frustration often mount and set the stage for marital discord as police wives live the lifestyle of "married singles!"

Divorce rates among law enforcement personnel parallel those of other high-stress professions such as doctors and lawyers. Surveys of police officers continually reflect estimates of divorce rates as high as 75%!

"There's no question about it, this is a very difficult lifestyle", says police wife Irene Schreiber whose husband Paul is a detective in the Suffolk County Police Department. Mrs. Schreiber joined the Suffolk County Police Wives Association in 1979 and served as the group's president for three years, gaining insight into the problems that police wives face.

"There are a lot of stressed involved that families of non police officers are not exposed to. But, in general, shifts, overtime and holidays are amount the ones that bother wives the most", she has found. "In out house we refer to the 5-1 shift as the 5-whenever! And, I remember a friend whose husband had been working a lot of overtime. When asked how his wife Charlene was, he replied, 'Charlene who?' When my husband first went on the job, I had to learn quickly how to cope with his hours, or be alone!"

As the world around them functions "normally, " police families often find themselves unable to participate. Invitations must be declined, holidays are postponed, and family's divide when one member must work while the rest of the world plays. Child care, home and social obligations, and recreation may become solo activities for the police spouse, as she attends functions and makes household decisions while her mate sleeps off the effects of a midnight shift. Police wives learn to handle everything from childcare to auto repair…alone.

"When the kids were young I had to be both parents to them," says the wife of a recent retiree. "I even learned to play soccer and pitch a baseball."

"Special occasions are what really bug me," confides another police wife. "I hate sitting down to a Thanksgiving dinner or the kids' birthday parties without him. Sometimes I feel like I'm raising this family alone."

A third wife complains, "there are times when my kids don't get to see their father all week. He's home while they're in school and when they get home he's working a 4-12. By the time he's home again, they're sleeping. And so it goes, the next day and the next. They start to forget what their father looks like!"

Intimacy suffers, too. Warm embraces are replaced with a cold and empty bed when he's working through the night. Interludes traditionally reserved for moonlit eves, shift gears as shifts change and turn his circadian clock upside down.

"This week he's a 'morning man'," She complains, "but, there's just no privacy with the kids around and I really don't have time in the middle of the day. Then, when I'm ready, he's too tired or on his way to work! I know it's difficult for him, but I get lonely too."

The void can go beyond the physical, as well. Emotional distance is often a side effect of the stress he encounters on the job. While dealing with trauma, danger and violence on a daily basis, he must uphold his professional demeanor and stifle feelings of anxiety, anger and frustration, a technique that often trickles into his off-duty personality. Further, in an effort to protect his loved ones from graphic reality, he may shut down certain lines of communication, excluding his spouse from a large and important part of his life.

"After going through a difficult situation at work they may get very quiet and go off into a world of their own," Mrs. Schreiber says. "Or, they become super busy around the house to work off that nervous energy. I guess it's kind of therapy for them, but some wives don't realize that and start to feel left out."

On duty, the police officer, as guardian of the public, commands respect due his powerful position. However, that "hero" image may be hard to tone down when he returns home and is expected to take out the garbage, causing psychological adgita for his spouse. Additionally, overtime and extra-duty demands may monopolize the police officer's time and attention, giving his mate a sense of low priority or abandonment.

"They have to handle everyone else's major problems," mentions Mrs. Schreiber, "then when they come home ours seem so minor. It's hard for them to change from one world to another so quickly. I know they try, but some wives feel like the last one on the totem pole."

Additionally, with an escalating number of females joining the police ranks over the last several years, "some police wives were initially 'uneasy' about the possibility of infidelity on those long night shifts. However, fears of chivalrous behaviors possibly compromising their husbands safety or interfering with the execution of duties took priority over those concerns" recalls Mrs. Schreiber. She is quick to emphasize, also, that the outstanding performance and record of the Suffolk County Policewoman have allayed those anxieties.

Most police wives agree that though benefits are abundant, the stresses are profound. "There are proven coping strategies, however, that help alleviate the feelings of 'single parenthood' for police wives," Mrs. Schreiber says. "If we spend to little time working on our relationships, it takes it's toll," she cautions, "so it's important to keep at it."

Her Suggestions:

MAKE TIME; MAKE DATES TO BE TOGETHER. You did it before you were married, so just do it again. Reserve special times to be together. It could be exciting. And set aside a 'family day', even once a month, so that the kids can spend quality time with both parents.

KEEP BUSY WHEN HE'S NOT AVAILABLE. Clubs, school, hobbies, exercise, rap sessions, visits, anything that interests you, can turn empty hours into positive time.

TURN OFF THE BEDROOM PHONE AND TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONER. White noise (the soft steady drone of an air conditioner for example) can serve to drown out daytime sounds while he sleeps, making you're job as keeper to the silence easier. Also, uninterrupted sleep makes him a happier mate, a benefit for you.

HAVE SATURDAY NIGHT ON WEDNESDAY. Invite friends for supper or early evening coffee and cake midweek so you'll have a chance to socialize together.

KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN BUT RESPECT HIS SOLITUDE. Remember that both may be therapy that helps to keep the marriage healthy.

CELEBRATE SPECIAL OCCASIONS ON ALTERNATE DATES. Make arrangements to coincide with his schedule. Friends and relatives are often quite cooperative and supportive.

JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP. Sharing concerns and ideas helps reduce feelings of isolation, increases coping skills, and can provide companionship at needed times.

Article provided by heavybadge.com

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Marital and Family Issues specific to Law Enforcement Personnel

He's Changed!

" He's changed. Now how do I live with him?" So booms the too often heard cry of many police wives. He's always so negative. We don't talk much anymore. He's not the man that I've married".


"I'm not the one that's changed. You don't like anything. You act like you don't like my job, my friends, or ME!" the officer retorts.

So goes the battle of the police wife. The man she married, the man she fell in love with, seems to be different since he became a cop. It doesn't happen to all, and it doesn't happen too all at once. But it does happen to too many police families.



Research suggests that negativity and cynicism build over an officer's career. Some even suggests that a cynical attitude can be seen developing in the police academy! This cynicism effects an officers relationships, especially with non-officers (like his wife!). They tend to communicate less and use humor, (often black humor), as a defense to avoid dealing with problems. As they get more entrenched in the police subculture they become more isolated from the "outside" world. Unfortunately an officer's family lives in that outside world!



As a result of a cop changing, so does his wife. Wives of officers tend to feel more isolated. They perceive themselves as facing the world alone. They see themselves as not in control of their lives. The department's schedule controls their schedule. The departments needs take precedents over their own!



Often a police wife will tend to get more emotional to compensate for their husband's lack of emotion. They can exaggerate lesser problems in order to get help or attention that otherwise does not come their way. In essence, wives go the opposite extreme in an effort to maintain balance in their family. Unfortunately, when two people reach extremes, the balance is too delicate and can become easily upset.



The tendencies discussed above, however, are not pre-destined. We all have tendencies: whether promoted by work, upbringing, or genetics. We get to decide whether we give in to these tendencies or fight them. That's the good news. The bad news: It takes a lot of work to overcome a tendency rather than give into it. The picture is clear: Mental health is like physical health -- it takes work to become healthy and continued work to stay that way!



Below are five suggestions that can be used to overcome the tendencies of police life -- five marital exercises that can help establish and maintain a healthy relationship. These exercised are only a start. Add more as you work on you own relationship! Follow them as best you can. Hopefully you will reap the benefits.



1. One of the first areas that a wife can work on are her negative attitudes toward his job. A wife's stated satisfaction with her husband's career carries great weight in determining the extent to which his career affects the family's life. Focus on the advantages of being part of the police family. It is like being part of a community. A community that can be helpful, supportive, and protective. For every negative statement you make force yourself to make at least three positive statements. Actually take control of your language. Positive language about being a police family will yield positive results.



2. Make a commitment not to be a victim to the tendencies of police life. Sit down with your spouse and review the directions that many police marriages take. Make it a habit to review these areas monthly. Rate yourselves and rate each other on what direction the relationship is going. One of the best ways to overcome potential problems is to look for signs that it is developing and deal with it while it is manageable. Be aware! Avoid letting the tendencies that plague police relationships become realities.



3. One of the unfortunate parts of living in the 90's is that we have been brainwashed to compact as much activity into as little time as possible. Time gets further compacted when children come along. Many lives seem to be filled with clutter that chokes us from having any quality in our life. Police families are particularly prone to this "cluttering" because they try to compensate for shift scheduling, overtime, and the perception of many wives that they are "single-parenting". Keep your life as uncluttered as possible by avoiding unnecessary purchases, over dependence on credit, over booking your calendar or your children's calendars, and avoid pack ratting of material possessions. Take the time to sit with your spouse and methodically go through each part of your life and eliminate the things that are not necessary. The amount of clutter in your life is directly related to the amount of stress you feel.



4. The most important commodity in life is time. Time is needed to build a strong relationship. Time is needed to overcome problems. Time is needed to firmly establish changes. Money can be replaced. Possessions can be replaced. Jobs can be replaced. Once time is gone, it is gone forever!



It is important for police couples to make time for each other. Time alone. Time away. If a daily period of time can be taken, 15 minutes to a half-hour, it will make a tremendous difference in the relationship. Some couples find that time in bed right before falling asleep is the easiest to arrange. Just a cooling down, talking period. Others find it best to talk on the front porch immediately after a shift, or before a shift. Whenever this time is taken, it is best if the time is taken alone with your spouse and regularly scheduled. Make it a personal ritual! Time with family is wonderful, but couples need time together without children. In the same vein, regular nights or days out alone with your spouse is also necessary. Whether it is every other week, or once a month, a day or evening out is an important part of maintaining a relationship. Take turns organizing this day or night. Let the activity be a surprise to your spouse when it is your turn. But, don't let the weeks turn into months without some quality alone time together.



5. We are by nature a task oriented, goal directed, species. Through most of our existence, if we lose sight of goals, we become less satisfied. Marriage must also be goal directed. Sit down with your spouse and set the goals that you will follow for the next year. Write them down and date them. Don't use general language like "be happy". Use specifics like "help Johnny read at first grade level, " or "save $2000, " or "take a trip to Canada," or "spend a half hour alone together five days a week," etc. Once your goals are written, post them somewhere visible and review2 them together every week. Add new goals, if necessary. In a year, re-write the goals. Don't project more than one year at a time.



In may seem like a lot of work, but it is the most important work you will do. Remember, the career, family, and home are all built on your relationship. Don't ignore this foundation.

Article was provided by : heavybadge.com

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Post A Thon a HUGE Sucess

A huge thank you to everyone for making our first ever PWU post-a-thon a HUGE success! That was by far the most participation we have ever had on PWU. I checked in a few times and was rolling with laughter, you ladies are hilarious!!




Someone asked when are we doing it again, the answer ONCE A MONTH!! I think everyone had a TON of fun!! Stay tuned for the theme for NEXT MONTH!!



We had 1360 Replies and 114 pages of posts!! And the WINNER'S ARE:





1st place is Charlene Hefferin with 463 posts----PRIZE--- Shirt from our Cafe press shop



2nd place is Nicole Austin with 227 posts-----PRIZE---a PWU mug



3rd place is Jaclyn Macomber with 207 posts---- PRIZE---a PWU magnet



4th place goes to both Desiree Komar McDonald and Lesley Dews with 122 posts--PRIZES--PWU buttons



5th place goes to April Ann Hutchins with 58 posts----PRIZE---- PWU bumper Sticker



Thanks Ladies! This was so much fun!!



Kelly



** We will be contacting you about the PRIZES**
 
*Kelly Wrote this I am just the one posting it*

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PWU has a Facebook Fan Page

Police Wives Unite on Facebook

Check it out and become a fan today!!!!

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Just Launched!!!!! PWU on CafePress!

Police Wives Unite has officially Launched their Cafe Press Shop!!!! So stop by and check it out! We are still getting designs up and running so check back often. you can even subscribe to our shop so that way you receive a email when we add new products!

Police Wives Unite Cafe Press Shop

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PWU POST~A~THON!!!!

Hope to see you THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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